When a Loved One Dies During COVID-19
We never thought, our robust, vibrantly active 70-year-old loved one would suddenly fall terminally ill and then pass away within a week and a half. For her, it wasn’t COVID-19, it was breast cancer.
Last December after a year-long, epic battle, including a radical mastectomy, two rounds of chemotherapy and radiation, she seemed to be doing pretty well. She was, her doctors felt, cancer free. A month later, however, a scan revealed that the cancer had returned, this time in her liver and bones. She had kicked it to the curb the first time; she and we thought she’d do it again, and she tried valiantly. She took the new rounds of chemo and radiation seemingly in stride. She kept working and doing her social events. She had adapted to moving slower, and rested when her body told her to do so.
This time was different. She didn’t respond to the treatments and they pretty quickly exhausted all options. I was in a complete state of denial. I told myself that if she could survive cancer the first time, she could survive it again. Not to be; her energy changed almost overnight and she quickly decided to return to her childhood home to spend her final days with her family. She, her husband and their precious cat moved in with her 95-year-old father. Arrangements for Hospice were made, and the living room was set up beautifully by her younger sister and nieces. When the reality hit me that she was in fact going to die, I HAD TO BE THERE!
But I couldn’t be there— Covid-19 made air travel too risky with three compromised people in the home. And what made it feel even worse was that as an End of Life Doula. I am completely trained for everything I knew that she and our family would experience as her body grew weaker and weaker and prepared to die. I know what to look for, what they could expect, and how to inform, guide and support them through it all, but no. I was heartbroken.
The family was so kind; they totally understood our dilemma and kept us up to date during the whole thing. I was able to share some info virtually to “help” as best I could. She was there for a just a little over a week and then she passed surrounded by her family. We were able to participate in the funeral via zoom. Due to the pandemic, It was a very small gathering, but it was beautiful none-the-less.
I was grateful for the technology and yet seeing family gathered, close to one another, I longed to be there. I did take some deep breaths, imagined her beautiful face, said a prayer and then clicked “leave meeting”. It all felt so surreal, connected but disconnected. I do know one thing, life is precious. Don’t waste a moment of it.
Have you, or someone you know experienced something similar during this COVID time? I’d love to hear how you handled it. Did you do anything special on your own to remember the loved one who passed? Did you participate in a zoom funeral? Please, share your experiences with me.
Blessings, Lynne-Anne