What is a good death?
As an End of Life Doula, I get to see how families and friends prepare, or not prepare, for a loved ones death. The difference when a family is prepared or not prepared is like night and day. I won't go into to detail about how challenging and difficult it is to work with a family that is in denial of their loved one dying, thus never accepting the situation and ultimately not preparing for it. It is painful, devastating and often very expensive.
Instead I want to share what I have witnessed as a “good death”.
"Sarah" was an 83 years old woman diagnosed with colon cancer. She lived in a board and care facility where Hospice would check in on her once a week. I was hired on as an adjunct service to Hospice because she wanted someone to be with her more than once a week. She was a very sociable person and loved to tell stories about her life. Eventually, as the cancer progressed, she became weaker and talking exhausted her. So I read to her, gave her hand massages, combed her hair, and was simply BEing with her.
Her son, who was extremely busy with work and family, tried to be as active in her end-of-life care as he could. When I told him that the time was getting closer, that she may only have a couple of weeks left, he dropped everything and moved her into his house. What transpired was both awe inspiring and breathtaking to witness.
He had set up the hospital bed in the living room that overlooked the mountains. He had her favorite composer Johann Sebastian Bach playing on the computer which was set up in the corner of the room. On the wall to her right were two of her favorite paintings that she had painted over 20 years ago. When she arrived to her new spot and saw what he had done, her face lit up, eyes sparkled and a smile danced on her face for hours!
Over the course of the next few days, she would hum to the music and made brief small talk about how the birds flitted about on the branches through the window. She was calm and very relaxed. Her son made some of her favorite soft foods, most noticeably yogurt with crushed blueberries in it. And even though she could only take one or two mouthfuls, she was grateful to be there at her sons home, with him and his family. His daughter helped out too and brought her her favorite flowers—Gerber daisies.
She was there for five days —five precious days. Everyone got to hug, kiss, tell more stories and say their I love you’s to their dear mom/grand-mom.
On the day of her death, her family, a hospice nurse, and myself surrounded her bed, held hands and per her request, sang “We Are Climbing Jacob’s Ladder”, her favorite hymn.
A few hours after her passing, and after friends and other family members had left, Sarah’s son and granddaughter bathed her and changed her into a beautiful flowered dress. A ritual that not only helps in the grieving process but is the final act of love that a loved one can render on a physical level. As I witnessed such acts of love, I felt overwhelmed by the preciousness of life and what a blessing it is to do this kind of work.
Blessings,
Lynne-Anne McGrail—End of Life Doula
I’m on the radio!
Mystic Pete Chronicles has a discussion with Lynne-Anne McGrail, an End of Life Doula (EOLD), about death and dying. Listen to learn what an EOLD does, what does it mean to grief, what does "holding space" mean and lots more.. Lynne-Anne can be reached at care@apeacefultransitionla.com 310-367-5889.
LET’S TALK ABOUT THE BIG D WORD!
Are we ready to talk about the big D word——yes I am talking about death. A subject that most people cringe at and avoid at all cost. I can understand why and it’s not really are fault. It is how we are brought up. It’s not your typical conversation over dinner. “Honey, did you want to wear that nice blue suit during your memorial or is the black one better”. It just doesn’t happen. In fact, most people don’t talk about death until they or someone they know is actually getting ready to die. And then it’s all kinds of scary. But you know what, it does not have to be scary! If we allow ourselves to talk about it, even just a little, while we are young and healthy, then we start to feel just a wee bit more comfortable with it. Knowledge is power and if we learn about what it is we want for ourselves or what our loved one want for themselves at the end of life, then there is this sense of control. And with this sense of control we are better able to look at what feels uncomfortable. If having this conversation is too difficult and all you want to do is click the X and get out of this blog, then I’ve got just the right place for you to go. The Conversation Project. It is a non-profit organization that offers a free guide on how to have a conversation about death. It’s really that simple. Check them out and if you have any questions or concerns, I am right here.
In Loving Service,
Lynne-Anne
Go to https://theconversationproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/TCP_StarterKit_Final.pdf
Or simply scroll down on the picture and you’re there.
When a Loved One Dies During COVID-19
We never thought, our robust, vibrantly active 70-year-old loved one would suddenly fall terminally ill and then pass away within a week and a half. For her, it wasn’t COVID-19, it was breast cancer.
Last December after a year-long, epic battle, including a radical mastectomy, two rounds of chemotherapy and radiation, she seemed to be doing pretty well. She was, her doctors felt, cancer free. A month later, however, a scan revealed that the cancer had returned, this time in her liver and bones. She had kicked it to the curb the first time; she and we thought she’d do it again, and she tried valiantly. She took the new rounds of chemo and radiation seemingly in stride. She kept working and doing her social events. She had adapted to moving slower, and rested when her body told her to do so.
This time was different. She didn’t respond to the treatments and they pretty quickly exhausted all options. I was in a complete state of denial. I told myself that if she could survive cancer the first time, she could survive it again. Not to be; her energy changed almost overnight and she quickly decided to return to her childhood home to spend her final days with her family. She, her husband and their precious cat moved in with her 95-year-old father. Arrangements for Hospice were made, and the living room was set up beautifully by her younger sister and nieces. When the reality hit me that she was in fact going to die, I HAD TO BE THERE!
But I couldn’t be there— Covid-19 made air travel too risky with three compromised people in the home. And what made it feel even worse was that as an End of Life Doula. I am completely trained for everything I knew that she and our family would experience as her body grew weaker and weaker and prepared to die. I know what to look for, what they could expect, and how to inform, guide and support them through it all, but no. I was heartbroken.
The family was so kind; they totally understood our dilemma and kept us up to date during the whole thing. I was able to share some info virtually to “help” as best I could. She was there for a just a little over a week and then she passed surrounded by her family. We were able to participate in the funeral via zoom. Due to the pandemic, It was a very small gathering, but it was beautiful none-the-less.
I was grateful for the technology and yet seeing family gathered, close to one another, I longed to be there. I did take some deep breaths, imagined her beautiful face, said a prayer and then clicked “leave meeting”. It all felt so surreal, connected but disconnected. I do know one thing, life is precious. Don’t waste a moment of it.
Have you, or someone you know experienced something similar during this COVID time? I’d love to hear how you handled it. Did you do anything special on your own to remember the loved one who passed? Did you participate in a zoom funeral? Please, share your experiences with me.
Blessings, Lynne-Anne